Dad’s Day

“My father died many years ago, and yet when something special happens to me, I talk to him secretly not really knowing whether he hears, but it makes me feel better to half believe it.” — Natasha Josefowitz

Funny how on Father’s Day I immediately go about planning for my husband, for my kids’ Dad.  It always hits me later, every year, oh yeah, I have a dad, My dad is gone.  And has been for a long time.  It makes me really want my kids to understand how precious and wonderful it is to have a Dad around who not only provides for, but tickles, wrestles, scolds, mentors, snuggles, advises, shares all the special moments in time…

I didn’t lose my Dad as many do, later in adult life.  I feel like I don’t know him much at all, because the last time I saw him was when I was around 5 or 6, on a very special trip to NYC. I remember he put me in the windowsill at the Empire State Bldg, I did not think that was fun lol.  And he ate fish eyeballs out of a big ole fish at some Chinese type restaurant, and teased me about eating one myself.  He was a free spirit of sorts, I think, he must have been to have wanted the adventure of Alaska, where he chose to make his home when I was young.  He lived simply, in a cabin, working on the pipeline,  and took pictures of polar bears n such in the white tundra.

I knew somewhere in my little kid self that I would someday, when on my own, reconnect with him, after all he was my dad, and I had ideas about what it would be like to have had him in my life.  But before that could happen, when I was 10,  he was murdered by some crazy guy named Silka.  Shivers.  That guy murdered 8 others before he was stopped, killed by police after a manhunt on an Alaskan river outside of Fairbanks.  They never found my dad, assuming he was in the river like so many of his victims. I think someday I need to go up there, get my head around it completely. Not just the sad part, but the parts that he loved about where he lived.

Like the quote, I do talk to him way more than I ever thought I would, always during big moments.  Like kids being born, I really lost it thinking about him finishing my first marathon, and Ironman.  I have his nose:-) What else I have I’m not sure, but it’s kinda cool to think about pieces of me that could be because of him.

Well I hope to have many more pretend conversations with Dad, it means I’ve had many more special moments. And certainly have a lot to look forward to catching up some day in person:-)  Until then, I get to share Father’s Day with my husband, who embodies what I wish I’d experienced, and try to help my kids understand the absolute gift they have everyday!

Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads!  You are appreciated and loved more than you know.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Kristi E.
    Jul 06, 2012 @ 20:20:21

    wow, your pic looks so much like your girls too! I love your post. I lost my dad when I was newly married, but missed many “dad” things with him too growing up. My parents divorced when I was 6 and not too long after he was diagnosed with MS. It affected his speech and movement….and soon was in nursing home. so many times I wish I could ask him all about his life as a kid, his likes/dislikes, etc. the one thing we do have together is ….he came to Alaska in 1976 to go fishing in Ketchekan with my mom. I have the photos. And now I live in Alaska and am casting my line for those Salmon! I also want to go to Ketchekan now to see what he saw, even though I know that place has surely changed since then. I am here….anytime you need a place to stay in alaska or drive/guide you to where you want to go…..Hugs, Kristi
    (We are lucky to have spouses in our lives who are wonderful dad’s to our children!)

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