Deafening silence

“Very often in everyday life one sees that by losing one’s temper with someone who has already lost his, one does not gain anything but only sets out upon the path of stupidity. He who has enough self-control to stand firm at the moment when the other person is in a temper, wins in the end. It is not he who has spoken a hundred words aloud who has won; it is he who has perhaps spoken only one word.”
Hazrat Inayat Khan

So I’m not sure how it happened. But I do have even more proof that your attitude is contagious.  And the negative ones are very strong indeed, one strong negative can sadly outweigh several combined positives.

Last night we decided to go to our favorite family spot for dinner.  One of us (nameless middle child)  was feeling pitiful, sore and a tad er… whiny.  We were all bubbly.  Soon a few of us were trying to make attempts to reason with eeyore, and annoyance ensued. Annoyance led to another formerly bubbly family member (nameless older child) taking a question about her schedule the wrong way.. Eyes were rolling and body language reflecting that of lets say beligerence?  This led to an elder of the bunch (matriarchal figure) feeling the urge rising deep inside to throw a fit and stomp out of what was supposed to be a nice meal at OUR FAVORITE HAPPY PLACE!  WE ARE HAPPY!! NOW!!  fake it people come on…

 In the meantime both elders were also attempting to address late birthday plans for youngest child who had been patiently awaiting his moment of joy.  Hackles rising at the should’ves could’ve would’ves and need to’s.  Middle and eldest child glaring and pouting and looking like kidnapped victims.  Silence.  SO LOUD was the silence as we munched, food seemed tasteless with our disintegrating taste for each other.  The instigator of original bad mood decides it could be within her middle child power to suddenly become chipper and change the tide of the meal.  It only made the distance growing between all of us even wider.  More noticeable.  Small child wishing he was part of another family.  How youngest often wishes he did not have 2 emotional rollercoaster siblings at that special age of maturity.

It was all the matriarch could do to not talk it all out and make valid points and make everyone satisfied and stand corrected and also make everyone feel happy and understood. Somehow though, silence seemed the better option.  Sometimes you have to stop digging the hole.  Sometimes it is just no one’s fault, there is no good point to make, no point to make a good point and no possible way to make everyone feel better with words.  Sometimes just need to be alone with your thoughts around the others alone with their thoughts and fight the urge to fix.  Just get through it because you know this isn’t the summary or the end of our story, in fact because things are usually so dang good is probably why this felt so yucky, contrast of expected normal and unplanned not normal leads to bad yucky feelings, so that is a good sign to me..  It just was also a clear sign we all needed to eat and go to bed and start anew the next morning.  Which we did.  Thank goodness for the restraint to not lose tempers and cause actual damage.  Good lesson learned last night.  There will be more of these I’m sure, as teenagers continue to test all the skills I do and do not yet have to manage myself AND safely guide, and push and pull and sometimes shove and kick them lovingly on their you are blissful dang it path to adulthood lol.

oh yeah, and the morning of the silent dinner, I rode my bike on a mtn pass free of cars (not allowed at all yet)  yeah.  it’s pretty ok.  no really, this is bliss.

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Today doesn’t have an entire blogworthy post, just a few little things to add, so that I can say I wrote for yesterday AND today.  GO me!

Talking with a friend about possibility of running Portland Marathon this fall.  Of course it would work great after Ironman in August!  But guess what, the date is same as Kona.  THE KONA.  The one I say I want to qualify for.  Amanda says of course you will be doing Kona, I love her.  She has belief in me and I’m trying to catch it.  I tell her what it means for me to do it, what kind of marathon I NEED to have that I have never put together yet in an IM.  It feels like I can do it looking at the numbers.  It always feels possible when I look at the numbers.  Then the day comes and the mind the mind the mind.  The body resists for sure, but the MIND is what has slowed me down every dang time.  Say what I will about nausea, puking, aching hip, hurting hamstring.  NONE were ever SO bad to stop me.  The mind did. Now I know this.  I KNOW this.  This year, the body will get to do what it has always been ready to do.  Because my mind will be ready. Day in and day out, time to train my brain:)

4 months….

Day 5 and 6 of 50.   Song for those who read to the bottom, I know it’s not much, but it’s something right?! one of my power songs…

The Phoenix-  Fall Out Boy (yeah I love FOB)

 (…hey Youngblood, doesn’t it feel like the time is running out..I’m gonna change you like a remix, then I’ll raise you like a Phoenix, put on your WarPaint,  the war is won before it’s begun, release the dove, surrender Love)

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